Couples Therapy is Process

When I first walked into my couples therapy course as an MFT student, I expected formulas and techniques. What I found instead was a mirror reflecting the deepest patterns of human connection. Like many of my discoveries in life, this one began with resistance.

The Dance of Connection

What I'm learning isn't just about fixing relationships—it's about understanding the intricate dance that we all perform in our attempts to connect. Here's what fascinated me: The first theory we explored was Imago Relationship Therapy. I'll be honest—it didn't resonate with me. The idea that relationships are primarily about healing childhood wounds felt oversimplified. Not because childhood experiences aren't important, but because relationships can bring so much more than just healing. As a parent myself, I'm also wary of approaches that overemphasize parental influence. While early experiences shape us, human development is far more complex, involving intergenerational patterns, historical influences, and even epigenetics. Rather than getting stuck in a victim mentality, we can acknowledge our past while embracing our capacity to evolve.

Then came the Gottman Method, with its compelling research about the "Four Horsemen" of relationship apocalypse: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. But here's the beautiful twist—it turns out that these harbingers of doom can be overcome with one simple thing: repair attempts. Yes, you can show up with all four horsemen, but bring a dash of forgiveness, and everything might just be okay. (Maybe Jesus was the first couples therapist after all?)

The Gottman approach resonated so deeply that I've decided to get certified in both "Bringing Baby Home" and "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work." This feels especially important given their research showing that two-thirds of couples experience a decline in relationship satisfaction during the first three years after having a baby. I want to start working with families right away, as I see such a pressing need for this support.

The Attachment Revolution

Then I encountered Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), and something clicked. Perhaps because of my background in Nonviolent Communication and Focusing, EFT spoke directly to my soul. It's not just about solving problems—it's about understanding that our emotions need to be processed, not suppressed or rushed. EFT claims that emotions need to be processed so we can use them as compasses and not be encompassed by them in a reactive prison.

Sue Johnson, EFT's founder, built on John Bowlby's revolutionary attachment science. Before Bowlby, people thought emotional distance created independence. (Imagine hospitals in the 1950s allowing parents to visit their children only once a week!) His research showed something profound: secure attachment doesn't hinder independence—it enables it.

Why This Matters Now

We're at a crucial threshold as a society. Either we learn to move from mere cooperation to true collaboration, or we'll struggle to evolve collectively. And where does this transformation begin? In our most intimate relationships.

Think about it: if we can't collaborate effectively in our closest relationships, how can we expect to tackle global challenges like climate change? As Roberto Assagioli noted, "A couple is the smallest psychological group." It's our training ground for all other forms of human connection.

What I'm Learning About Love

Taking the DSM course alongside couples therapy has shown me something profound: much of human suffering stems from our struggles with connection. While biology plays its part, our emotional wellbeing is fundamentally shaped by the quality of our relationships.

The magic happens when we dare to reach out—what EFT calls "attachment bids"—and find ourselves met with warmth and understanding. It's not about perfect communication or never having conflicts. It's about creating a secure emotional bond that can weather life's storms.

When secure attachment creates safety in a relationship, we become vessels for each other's emotional journey. Through this sacred dance of holding space, each partner discovers their inner compass. What was once a maze of reactions transforms into a shared exploration—two people, navigating life together, yet guided by their own emotional truth.

Moving Forward Together

I'm still uncertain about pursuing licensure, given the complex bureaucratic landscape and my possible return to Brazil. But I'm certain about this: helping families collaborate and connect is my calling, license or not.

Whether through writing, teaching, or direct work with couples, I want to contribute to this evolution in how we understand relationships. Because at its core, couples therapy isn't just about fixing problems—it's about creating spaces where love can flourish and transform.

My Attachment Bid

What are your thoughts on relationships as vehicles for personal and collective evolution? I'd love to hear your experiences and insights. And if you're interested in exploring these ideas further, let's connect.

Best-Selling Self-Help Couples Therapy Books

1. Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country’s foremost relationship expert. Harmony Books.
2. Hendrix, H., & Hunt, H. L. (2007). Getting the love you want: A guide for couples (20th anniversary ed.). St. Martin's Griffin.
3. Johnson, S. M. (2008). Hold me tight: Seven conversations for a lifetime of love. Little, Brown Spark.

Academic and Clinical References

4. Assagioli, R., Ferrucci, P., & Kuniholm, J. (n.d.). Psychosynthesis of the couple: Men and women in relationships (pp. 36-37). Cheshire Cat Books. Kindle Edition.
5. Bond, T. (2017). The compassion book: Lessons from The Compassion Course. One Human Publishing.
6. Bowlby, J. (1988). A secure base: Parent-child attachment and healthy human development. Basic Books.
7. Cottone, R. R. (2017). Chapter 16: Emotion-Focused Therapy. In Theories of counseling and psychotherapy: Individual and relational approaches (2nd ed.). Springer Publishing Company.
8. Dattilio, F. M., & Bevilacqua, L. (2006). Chapters 2 and 3. In Relationship dysfunction: A practitioner’s guide to comparative treatments. Springer Publishing Company.
9. Fletcher, K., & MacIntosh, H. (2018). Emotionally focused therapy in the context of addictions: A case study. The Family Journal, 26(3), 330–340.
10. Gendlin, E. T. (1981). Focusing (Kindle edition, p. 10). Random House.
11. Johnson, S. (2004). The practice of emotionally focused therapy: Creating connection. American Psychological Association.
12. Metcalf, L. (2017). Marriage and family therapy: A practice-oriented approach (p. 629). Springer Publishing Company. Kindle Edition.
13. Papero, D., Frost, R., Havstad, L., & Noone, R. (2018). Natural systems thinking and the human family. Systems, 6(2).
14. Stevens, B. A., & Arnstein, M. (2011). Chapter 9. In Happy ever after??: A practical guide to relationship counselling for clinical psychologists (1st ed.). Australian Academic Press.
15. Vazhappilly, J. J., & Reyes, M. E. S. (2018). Efficacy of emotion-focused couples communication program for enhancing couples’ communication and marital satisfaction among distressed partners. Journal of Contemporary Psychotherapy, 48(2), 79-88.

Online Resources

17. Doherty, W. J. (n.d.). Helping marriages last: Avoiding the divorce culture. Smart Marriages. Retrieved from http://www.smartmarriages.com/dohertyarticle.html
18. Doherty, W. J. (n.d.). Bad couples therapy: How to avoid it, and what to do instead. Smart Marriages. Retrieved from http://www.smartmarriages.com/badcouples.doherty.html
19. Gottman Institute. (n.d.). The 5 couple types. The Gottman Institute. Retrieved December 20, 2024, from https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-5-couple-types/
20. The Gottman Institute. (n.d.). The Four Horsemen: Recognizing criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Retrieved January 10, 2025, from https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/

Let’s continue the conversation.